The Hollywood "Dream" 
This is another picture that really destroys me. I am such an entertainment addict. Movies, TV, music, books, magazines, etc. I absorb more trivial knowledge watching TV and reading entertainment news that serves no purpose other than my own enjoyment.  I have recently been thinking about this thing called "celebrity." What is it, and how is it bestowed upon the most undeserving of people? That sounds judgmental and elitist, doesn't it? But I think it nonetheless.

"Celebrity" is such a funny concept. Who do you celebrate? Do you celebrate someone you don't know because they are in the right movie or make cool music? Or perhaps you celebrate the folks that you see every day. The ones that make a difference in your life. Make your parents, your sister, even your little brother a celebrity. Celebrate someone that deserves the attention.

Wives, Lions and Wardrobes....Oh My!

My lovely wife Kristin gave me as a gift for graduation the hardback series of C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia. What an amazing gift it was. If you have not read it you absolutely need to. Do not hesitate because they are "children's" stories. There is truth, beauty, and possibly most important of all....innocence, in these books. I am only on the second book of the series, but they read quick and are fun to read aloud. My wife hates it when I do that! I'll get to a good part and nudge her back awake from slumber to read the three pages preceding the "good part" (you need context, right?).  She smiles and listens and laughs (inwardly, probably more "at" me than "with" me). I love it when she allows me to read to her though. It brings something fresh to our relationship when we can enjoy each other's passions.

She loves country music. I grew up outside of Los Angeles and never really cared for the stuff. Yet lo and behold I am now a Johnny Cash (God bless his soul!) and Willie Nelson (God bless him too, I guess!) fan. My favorite band is the "Newgrass" band Nickel Creek. If you ever get the chance to see them live - Do It!! I guess all I mean to say in all of this is that when you love someone with the kind of love that aches when they're gone, make sure you allow them to affect who you are. I get so tired of the dating schtick that goes, "Don't let him/her change who you are!!" I understand the sentiment, and to a certain degree I might agree, but never let yourself become so rigid that love can't change you.

Love had better be flexible....or else there would be no such thing as the Cross. Chew on that one.

I love this picture. This is the Capitol Records building in Los Angeles with a mural of Jazz Musicians in front of it. There is something dirty and gritty about jazz music that speaks to my soul. Its driving beat syncopates with the flutter of my heart. Dissonance and harmony play simultaneously to create a perfect, improvised moment. Jazz music is a lot like our relationship with God. A flutter of instruments all going in different directions with the strong steady beat of love driving the melody home. 

Goodbye

I said goodbye to my friend today. "Friend" seems like such an inadequate term for it though. He was, as I have said before, a mentor, but he was also my teacher, spiritual advisor and confidant. I could not have asked for a more sensitive person to see me through some of my toughest moments.

When my mother passed away Dr. Conyers served as a shoulder to cry on and as a neck to hug. His demeanor and confidence, despite his own illness, became the strength in my own resolve. He and my mother were cut of the same stone. Determined and courageous on the outside, yet glistening like a geode on the inside. It was never, "Poor me" or "I just can't." These were two people that never thought of themselves first. Life was lived in service to others.

For example, my mother, after being diagnosed with two separate life-ending diseases spent much of her time as a hospice volunteer. Likewise Chip, while still maintaining his teaching schedule in Waco, would commute to the hospital in Houston and be back the next day for class. Serving and loving others was their m.o. I pray that I can exude that same confidence and selflessness in my own life. Sometimes I confuse my personal sense of purpose with that of the Father's. Brennan Manning writes in his book Ruthless Trust that "even if we accept the fact that we are a word uttered by God, we may not grasp what he is trying to say through us....In patient endurance we wait for God to make clear what he wants to say through us."

Patient endurance. How about asking for that the next time you pray. I know I will.

p.s. In my links I have included Dr. Conyers' homepage. For those of you interested check out the guestbook. You will be touched and inspired at Dr. Conyers' lasting impression on so many of us that knew him.

Brokenness

In Henri Nouwen's beautiful book, Life of the Beloved, he writes, "Our brokenness is so visible and tangible, so concrete and specific, that it is often difficult to believe that there is much to think, speak, or write about other than our brokenness."

He goes on to say later in the same chapter that "perhaps the simplest [thing] would be to say that our brokenness reveals something about who we are. Our sufferings and pains are not simply bothersome interruptions of our lives; rather, they touch us in our uniqueness and our most intimate individuality."

I am who I am because I have been broken. Many times. Sometimes I break myself. Those are the times when, despite my best efforts, I attempt to be something I am not: indestructible. Dreams shatter and loves are lost. It's what happens in the aftermath that creates true heroes. Think of 9/11. Can you imagine the events of that day without thinking of the firefighters, and rescue workers that toiled endlessly in the carnage of the WTC? We live in a fallen world where many of us are spinning out of control, like a careening car into oncoming traffic. Or an accelerating plane into a New York highrise.  The mark of honor is how we adjust and move on and lend a hand to someone who is down.

I think that as humans we obsess on the big events in life. There are some that are worthy of notice, obvbiously! But we tend to deemphasize the in between. I love that phrase, as you could probably guess. It connotes a sense of relationship. Everything is connected. Nothing, and no man, is an island. You have relationships between friends. You could be between jobs. You need to make a choice between two options, without forgetting that when you're in the in between you're still somewhere. God is there in the in between. Informing you if you let him. Picking you up if you recognize his hand. And loving. Always loving.

A Chip on my shoulder

Hi folks......I just find out that a mentor of mine passed away this weekend. I don't want to get all melodramatic and cheesy, but it is in these times that I really start wondering how much I allow those that I trust and believe in to truly affect the way I live my life.
Does that make any sense? Don't we elevate certain people in our lives to deity and then minimize their affect on us? It's almost as if they are the perfect version of you that you can never be.
This mentor of mine was an incredible man. A man of God, a man of thought, a man who loved beauty and was moved by it constantly.
I am taken aback. I can't sleep so I created this blog.....maybe it will create a space for me to release some of these feelings of failure and lowered expectations that I have put on myself.
Does death always seem to do that. I mean, I am sure that there are those times when we read or see on the tv that somebody has come to a horrible end and the first thing on our minds is, "Whew! Glad it wasn't me!" Well when I heard about this beloved teacher of mine passing away I couldn't help but think, "Why not me?"
 
He had much more to offer this world, even in his twilight, than I will ever have. But that is my legacy. That is how I will choose to honor him. Not to emulate, and not to be that better version that he seemed to have down pat. But to always live a life of integrity and honor, like Chip Conyers.
 
We love you and will miss you.