God's Will.....Our Way

I feel like I need to continue with this discussion of God' will.
I appreciate the feedback that y'all have contributed.

Today in church we saw a video that seemed pretty provocative at the outset....and then, after some time thinking about it, I really think I understand.

The video discussed the nature of being a disciple.
What it meant to "follow" a Rabbi.

The narrator discussed the method in which young boys in first century Judaism would learn Torah.
These young boys, after memorizing the Torah, would then continue on learning under a Rabbi (if they were found worthy) or they would learn their father's trade...the family business.
So.......jump ahead to Jesus calling his disciples....he called some of these men, maybe even boys, away from fishing.
They were not Rabbis.
They were not learning from another Rabbi.
They were fishermen.
They were not considered worthy by some Rabbi along the way.
They weren't good enough.
Yet Christ chose them.

The narrator then talked about faith.
How we so often talk about OUR faith in God.
Yet....if we try to understand the intricacies of 1st Century Judaism....it was Jesus who had faith
in those whom he chose.
Look at the disciples. They were definitely not perfect. They didn't always exude the air of confidence you would expect from a group of guys hanging with the Messiah.
Jesus called them to follow him....that was his only request.
If Christ is God incarnate....then shouldn't we be able to then learn how God relates to us, his disciples, by looking at how Christ related to his disciples?
God has faith in us.
That seems risky doesn't it?

We live in a fallen world of sliding morals and unquestionable sin.
Yet we are still made Imago Dei, right?
That never changed.

Look outside your window......not the Garden.
Our relationship with the almighty has forever changed from the days of Adam and Eve.
God has an undying love and wish for us to be learners of Christ, not because it has to be this way,
but because he desires it to be so.

Does God make our decisions for us?
No.
He just gave us the best option.

Again....look around you.
So many good people making so many poor choices.
Is that God's will?
No.
His will is for us to make the right choice.
Does he help us and inform our decisions?
Yes, of course.
In the same way a loving parent instructs a child.
Not by creating a clear path without struggle or opposition.
Rather by being there every step of the way - to give advice and kiss boo boo's.

This is probably all semantics and conjecture......you can delete the word "probably" from the previous phrase.
My issue when talking about this, well....issue....., is that when we talk about God in such a mechanistic fashion we lose out on his most amazing feature.
His love.

I know this may seem to be dancing around some issues.....so let's dance!
I'd love to hear what everyone has to say.

Everywhere...all the time...everything!

Wow........I just went to the bathroom.

I didn't mean to be gone so long.

Ha! That's funny.

I am not sure why I have fallen off the blogging wagon so quickly....but here's to getting back on and trying again.
I hope that this finds everyone good and well and fine.
I am none of those things.

I have been demoted at work. First it was just in responsibilities. Then came the title and the money. And all leading up to Christmas which, as you can probably guess, is not the best timing. Strangely enough I am relieved. I will have less responsibility and I will actually get a day off once a week now. Imagine that!

Now I will have more time to devote to finishing my Master's Degree and then be able to start applying to PhD programs. I am very excited about that! I find that the times when I am the happiest are when I am with a group of friends talking about God, Life and stuff. I want to do that for a living. I want to talk and write about the things that interest me!

A couple of weeks back I lead a group of about 40 college students through the process of Spiritual Journaling. It was a blast!! I had so much fun preparing for it and then when the time came to actually do it.....it felt right. Me there with a bunch of eager, willing participants writing their hearts down on paper....it felt like I was in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

I am going through, with a group of friends, a book that another friend has written called Understanding God's Will: How To Hack The Equation Without Formulas (it can be found at http://www.relevantbooks.com/).
The thing that has impressed me so much about what I have read so far is the common sense approach that Kyle seems to infuse in an otherwise confusing and hyper-theological issue. God's will for your life is not about being in the right places at the right times doing the right things.
Why?
Because that means that there is a wrong place, wrong time, wrong thing.
And, whether or not you believe it.....God is everywhere at all the time in everything.

Just a thought. Do you agree?

Long Time Gone

Hello friends.

Wow......by now I might not have friends that come back to me because I have been a bad, bad blogger. So much going on.....I really need to use this (even if no one is reading) to blow off some steam.

A lot has happened in the month or so since my last Blog. Work has been getting worse for me.....stressful, crazy, hard. Thoughts of PhD's, much like sugar plums, are dancing in my head.

The crazy thing is that I am not technically graduated yet! I have no more classes, but these stupid required LLL's. Life Looooooooooonnnnnnggggggg Learning Credits! Basically it's proving to the Seminary that you will continue to study after Graduating.....yet you have to do it while you are still in School. Ridiculous.

Think about me. Pray for me (and the wife). As we figure out what to do next.
Thanks.

genius loves company

This is what I have in my CD player right now.

My wife surprised me and brought this home from the store the other day.

I haven't always been a Ray Charles fan, I guess the older I get the more I appreciate the genius of his music. He was a barrier breaker. Pop music, Soul, Blues, Country....you name it, he's sung it. If you would like to experience something gut-wrenchingly beautiful go to his official website, http://www.raycharles.com, and click on the America the Beautiful link. Ray singing in his raspy baritone one of the most emotional renditions of America the Beautiful with images of 9/11 playing in the background. It's beautiful!

The album pictured above was his final project. It is a compilation of duets with some amazing artists. My favorites have to be the songs with the ladies. Ray and Norah sing "Here We Go Again" on track 1 and you immediately find yourself bawling. Track 3 brings Diana Krall's sultry sound and Ray's soulful cry together in a wry and simple rendition of "You Don't Know Me." I am not much of a Natalie Cole fan but she and Ray do a playful version of "Fever" that makes you tap your toes. "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?" with Bonnie Raitt is understated and especially bluesy. How could it not be with these two greats of blues music?

Anyway.....such a great album. It makes me want to mellow out with a beer and a cigar and just listen.

Just listen.

Good books like old friends

Recently I have been reading some old friends.

Books that were, up until now, "required reading" for a grade in a class.

At the beginning of the summer I picked up To Kill A Mockingbird, and plowed through it like a People Magazine! It was enjoyable to read something that I once thought was tedious!

Just a few days ago my wife brought me home a hardcover edition of The Catcher in the Rye. What an awesome novel! I wish Mr. Salinger no harm, but his 85 year old butt better release the movie rights before he croaks or his estate never will!
I don't know what got into me.....but I do find it strange that the notoriously reclusive Salinger has said that he won't release the rights to Catcher.

Anyhow......a new friend is You Shall Know Our Velocity! by Dave Eggers. I love his style of writing and he pulls you into the action from the very first page. For those of you who haven't read it, I encourage you to go to your local bookstore and get it.....along with some classics that you swore under your breath that you would never read again.

Why do I feel like a The more you know......segment on NBC?

Read little Johnny and sweet Susie......or else you'll be picking up trash on the side of the road for the rest of your life!

Education, it's more than school. It's an adventure! (du dum da daaaa)

Writer's Block

Hey folks........

I have probably started and stopped an entry at least 4 times in the last week and a half. I couldn't think of anything to submit to y'all and honestly have not had the energy to write!

Work has been hell lately, which is funny considering that I work in Christian Retail! Get it? I have been logging approximately 50-60 hours a week the last month or so and it all culminated in me getting sick and leaving early last Thursday (early being 4:00 p.m., I still put in a 7 1/2 hour work day) and taking Friday off (if that means that I was still there first thing to make sure that everything got started okay).

In other words I am overworked and underpaid. That's just the black and white, honest truth. But now that I am done whining let me go on with the rest of my thoughts.

So I have been reading this book by Ken Gire called Reflections on the Movies: Hearing God in the Unlikeliest of Places and I stumbled across something that got my creative juices flowing. Gire states in his chapter entitled Criticism of the Movies that -

Criticism is one way we can approach a movie. It seems to me, however,
that this way of approaching a movie contributes little, if anything, to
our growth as human beings. Critical analysis of a movie seems to me
something like the way we might analyze a sentence, diagramming its
subject and verb, its adjectives and adverbs, its prepositional phrases,
direct objects. When we're done with the diagramming, every word is in
its proper place, and there is something satisfying about that. It's the
same type of satisfaction an accountant gets when he balances the books
he's been examining. The difference between the two is that accounting
was designed for that kind of scrutiny. Art was not. Art was designed to
be experienced, not critiqued.

Okay.....let that sink in.
Think about art.
Its affect and its nature.

Now think about the Bible.
About God.
About the Church.
About Christianity.

These are things that are inherently meant to be experienced, not critiqued.

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe that God gave us minds to discern and the ability to think for a reason. This is not a plea to believe everything that your pastor says wholesale and to never be critical. If that was the case we would have more Jim Jones' and David Koresh's than you could shake a stick at.

This is a plea to act on your faith. Make it an experience not merely a mental ascent to some truths that you hold.
Do the things that Jesus did.
Serve others.
Love your neighbor.
Walk somewhere for a change.
Wash somebody's feet.
Tell stories.

Experience the Kingdom.

Ray Charles and St. Benedict

"Father, in your goodness grant us the intellect to comprehend you,

the perception to discern you,

and the reason to appreciate you.

In your kindness endow me with the diligence to look for you,

the wisdom to discover you,

and the spirit to apprehend you.

In your graciousness bestow on me a heart to contemplate you,

ears to hear you,

eyes to see you,

and a tongue to speak of you.

In your mercy confer on me a conversation pleasing to you,

the patience to wait for you,

and the perserverance to long for you.

Grant me a perfect end - your holy presence.

Amen."

~St. Benedict

I read this prayer in church a while back and still haunts me. In that good haunting sense that permeates every thought and dream. The crucial part of the prayer is where St. Benedict beckons the Lord to bestow on him a "heart to contemplate you, ears to hear you, eyes to see you, and a tongue to speak of you."

That's all that we can ask, right? The ability to do something doesn't require actually doing it though. I think of Ray Charles, may he rest in peace, when he says -

"I was born with music inside me. Like my ribs, my liver, my kidneys, my heart. Like my blood."

Ray Charles was compelled by his love for music. His "insides" were seen from the outside. His music was a reflection of the torrential downpour of hardships and addictions that plagued his entire career. His music also mirrored the good times in the way that his music broke down language, racial, and religious barriers. Ray Charles exuded the unabashed and unedited self. The self that told it how it was and was gravely unapologetic.

Can we learn something from "The Genius?" Some folks say that the "unchurched" don't know anything about God, but is that true? Wasn't his music a gift of God? At times spiritual, other times worldly and secular.....but always a gift.

St. Benedict's gift was that he knew that the only end was one that would reflect his purest desire. That the love he had on the inside would make it's way to the surface.

Feel.

Listen.

Look.

Speak.

New Look

Hi all.

Welcome to the new In-Between!!

Sometimes I get bored with things where they are and need to change it up once in a while.

My wife does that with the furniture. I hate that. I will be gone for a weekend and come back and the bed has been moved and dressers have been relocated. It's not right. I have no doubt that one of these days I will come home and she will be flat on her back because she has moved something that any sane person would have asked help with!

Anyhow.....about the changes.

Please look at the links on the left. If there is one thing that I am especially passionate about it is......being passionate about something!

These links provide transport to the homepages of my home churches and my hobbies.
The music that touches me and the movies that move me.
The books and authors speak for me when I have no words.
Listen to them. They are much smarter and wittier than I.
Then come back and dialogue with me....I would love that.

Check back often....I'll change things up and add new links when I find new loves.

Blessings.

untitled him

I don't know what to say...but I feel compelled to write.

Have you ever felt incomplete?

Truly unfinished?

Like there is some part of your soul that is in the yet-to-be-used piece pile of your own personal puzzle? Sometimes I feel like I am the second rate "B" actor version of the role I was supposed to be. And it has nothing to do with a missed career or a failed marriage or some dream that I expected to realize and hadn't yet. Because my life is good. I have a beautiful wife who loves me (no kids yet, but we're working on it), a good job that pays the bills, and a pretty steady group of friends that I hang out with.

Yet there is something under the surface that screams, "Hey You! It's me under here! I'm your 'untapped potential!'" I have heard that my whole life...potential. I hate that word. It seems to connote that you have some sort of superhuman reserve that you choose not to use. Is that ever the case? Like you're moving along in life at 55 when you could be going 75. You're still going the same direction right? It doesn't matter how fast you get there, just as long as you get there.

But this is rarely a problem of speed. Because I will be the first one to admit that I am as laid back as they get. It seems to be more an issue of how I use my time. I don't need to do more things, I need to do right things. So are "they" right? Is this potential untapped if I disregard the right for the okay? Am I stuck in the rut of reasonable action? I don't know....I just felt compelled to write.

Will Smith, Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash walk into a bar...

I went to see I, Robot on Saturday. I thought the story line was compelling, it was visually stimulating and had enough theological and philosophical content to keep the Asimov diehards happy. If you have not read Isaac Asimov's short stories, do it. They are must-reads for anybody interested in how pop-culture and pop-literature deal with issues of sovereignty and predestination.

Now is the time in the program where I steal somebody else's format for blogging. It seems that most bloggers keep everyone up to date on their current music faves.

Mine right now are The Essentials of Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson. Two separate compilations, two discs each. Willie Nelson's rendition of "Blue Skies" on Disc 1 is absolutely amazing, and his duet with Ray Charles on Disc 2 for the song "Seven Spanish Angels" is staggering. What I like about "The Essential..." series is that they are the recordings from the original studio or live sessions. So....it's not a sixty-something Willie singing "Cryin'", it's the 26 year old Willie.

But I don't mine the "rough-cut" sound the older voice renders on a good recording.

Perfect example - "Hurt" by Johnny Cash. Can you imagine him singing that at any other time in his career? There seem to be waves of emotion and experience that crash against you like surf on sand. The voice of despair, grief, regret....is spent singing about the hurt and damage he's caused. If you don't know the song....listen. Then watch the video. It's somewhere on the 'net. I know people that don't even like country music that have cried after watching this video. I am one of those people.

Oh and, by the way, you've got to check out the live version of "Boy Named Sue" from Folsom that is included on, I think, the first disc of the album. Brilliant. "My name is Sue...HOW DO YOU DO!"

The object of my most recent obsession is poker.

I bought some poker chips off of ebay (11.5 grams, suited, ceramic w/dark wood carrying case); I downloaded Downtown Texas Hold'Em onto my cell phone so that I could play poker when I was bored, and I bought this book. The Biggest Game in Town is "...probably the best book on poker ever written." (Evening Standard, London) I just bought it yesterday and I am enthralled. Alvarez details the beginnings of No Limit Poker in Las Vegas' Binion's Horseshoe Casino.

For those of you who don't know, it was at Binion's where the first World Series of Poker (WSOP) was played. Now, I don't know all of the history that comes with the WSOP, but my pop-culture radar went off when I read names like Doyle Brunson, Amarillo Slim and Nick the Greek. I wasn't a Poker afficianado as a boy, but somehow I recognized these Poker Greats.

I am now a follower of Poker. I watch WSOP on ESPN (does anyone else find that funny?), and I have a regular date with BRAVO on Thursday nights when an acquaintance of mine, and damn good poker player, Phil Gordon co-hosts Celebrity Poker Showdown. I know that some of my compadres share this obsession, and we are doing our darndest to do something about it. Every Thursday night sound good to you guys?

And to not let the eternal slip away on this one....don't ever think that time spent with friends is lost. Even if you are going all-in pre-flop with pocket cowboys. Remember, where two or three are gathered...

The Hollywood "Dream" 
This is another picture that really destroys me. I am such an entertainment addict. Movies, TV, music, books, magazines, etc. I absorb more trivial knowledge watching TV and reading entertainment news that serves no purpose other than my own enjoyment.  I have recently been thinking about this thing called "celebrity." What is it, and how is it bestowed upon the most undeserving of people? That sounds judgmental and elitist, doesn't it? But I think it nonetheless.

"Celebrity" is such a funny concept. Who do you celebrate? Do you celebrate someone you don't know because they are in the right movie or make cool music? Or perhaps you celebrate the folks that you see every day. The ones that make a difference in your life. Make your parents, your sister, even your little brother a celebrity. Celebrate someone that deserves the attention.

Wives, Lions and Wardrobes....Oh My!

My lovely wife Kristin gave me as a gift for graduation the hardback series of C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia. What an amazing gift it was. If you have not read it you absolutely need to. Do not hesitate because they are "children's" stories. There is truth, beauty, and possibly most important of all....innocence, in these books. I am only on the second book of the series, but they read quick and are fun to read aloud. My wife hates it when I do that! I'll get to a good part and nudge her back awake from slumber to read the three pages preceding the "good part" (you need context, right?).  She smiles and listens and laughs (inwardly, probably more "at" me than "with" me). I love it when she allows me to read to her though. It brings something fresh to our relationship when we can enjoy each other's passions.

She loves country music. I grew up outside of Los Angeles and never really cared for the stuff. Yet lo and behold I am now a Johnny Cash (God bless his soul!) and Willie Nelson (God bless him too, I guess!) fan. My favorite band is the "Newgrass" band Nickel Creek. If you ever get the chance to see them live - Do It!! I guess all I mean to say in all of this is that when you love someone with the kind of love that aches when they're gone, make sure you allow them to affect who you are. I get so tired of the dating schtick that goes, "Don't let him/her change who you are!!" I understand the sentiment, and to a certain degree I might agree, but never let yourself become so rigid that love can't change you.

Love had better be flexible....or else there would be no such thing as the Cross. Chew on that one.

I love this picture. This is the Capitol Records building in Los Angeles with a mural of Jazz Musicians in front of it. There is something dirty and gritty about jazz music that speaks to my soul. Its driving beat syncopates with the flutter of my heart. Dissonance and harmony play simultaneously to create a perfect, improvised moment. Jazz music is a lot like our relationship with God. A flutter of instruments all going in different directions with the strong steady beat of love driving the melody home. 

Goodbye

I said goodbye to my friend today. "Friend" seems like such an inadequate term for it though. He was, as I have said before, a mentor, but he was also my teacher, spiritual advisor and confidant. I could not have asked for a more sensitive person to see me through some of my toughest moments.

When my mother passed away Dr. Conyers served as a shoulder to cry on and as a neck to hug. His demeanor and confidence, despite his own illness, became the strength in my own resolve. He and my mother were cut of the same stone. Determined and courageous on the outside, yet glistening like a geode on the inside. It was never, "Poor me" or "I just can't." These were two people that never thought of themselves first. Life was lived in service to others.

For example, my mother, after being diagnosed with two separate life-ending diseases spent much of her time as a hospice volunteer. Likewise Chip, while still maintaining his teaching schedule in Waco, would commute to the hospital in Houston and be back the next day for class. Serving and loving others was their m.o. I pray that I can exude that same confidence and selflessness in my own life. Sometimes I confuse my personal sense of purpose with that of the Father's. Brennan Manning writes in his book Ruthless Trust that "even if we accept the fact that we are a word uttered by God, we may not grasp what he is trying to say through us....In patient endurance we wait for God to make clear what he wants to say through us."

Patient endurance. How about asking for that the next time you pray. I know I will.

p.s. In my links I have included Dr. Conyers' homepage. For those of you interested check out the guestbook. You will be touched and inspired at Dr. Conyers' lasting impression on so many of us that knew him.

Brokenness

In Henri Nouwen's beautiful book, Life of the Beloved, he writes, "Our brokenness is so visible and tangible, so concrete and specific, that it is often difficult to believe that there is much to think, speak, or write about other than our brokenness."

He goes on to say later in the same chapter that "perhaps the simplest [thing] would be to say that our brokenness reveals something about who we are. Our sufferings and pains are not simply bothersome interruptions of our lives; rather, they touch us in our uniqueness and our most intimate individuality."

I am who I am because I have been broken. Many times. Sometimes I break myself. Those are the times when, despite my best efforts, I attempt to be something I am not: indestructible. Dreams shatter and loves are lost. It's what happens in the aftermath that creates true heroes. Think of 9/11. Can you imagine the events of that day without thinking of the firefighters, and rescue workers that toiled endlessly in the carnage of the WTC? We live in a fallen world where many of us are spinning out of control, like a careening car into oncoming traffic. Or an accelerating plane into a New York highrise.  The mark of honor is how we adjust and move on and lend a hand to someone who is down.

I think that as humans we obsess on the big events in life. There are some that are worthy of notice, obvbiously! But we tend to deemphasize the in between. I love that phrase, as you could probably guess. It connotes a sense of relationship. Everything is connected. Nothing, and no man, is an island. You have relationships between friends. You could be between jobs. You need to make a choice between two options, without forgetting that when you're in the in between you're still somewhere. God is there in the in between. Informing you if you let him. Picking you up if you recognize his hand. And loving. Always loving.

A Chip on my shoulder

Hi folks......I just find out that a mentor of mine passed away this weekend. I don't want to get all melodramatic and cheesy, but it is in these times that I really start wondering how much I allow those that I trust and believe in to truly affect the way I live my life.
Does that make any sense? Don't we elevate certain people in our lives to deity and then minimize their affect on us? It's almost as if they are the perfect version of you that you can never be.
This mentor of mine was an incredible man. A man of God, a man of thought, a man who loved beauty and was moved by it constantly.
I am taken aback. I can't sleep so I created this blog.....maybe it will create a space for me to release some of these feelings of failure and lowered expectations that I have put on myself.
Does death always seem to do that. I mean, I am sure that there are those times when we read or see on the tv that somebody has come to a horrible end and the first thing on our minds is, "Whew! Glad it wasn't me!" Well when I heard about this beloved teacher of mine passing away I couldn't help but think, "Why not me?"
 
He had much more to offer this world, even in his twilight, than I will ever have. But that is my legacy. That is how I will choose to honor him. Not to emulate, and not to be that better version that he seemed to have down pat. But to always live a life of integrity and honor, like Chip Conyers.
 
We love you and will miss you.